Dating & Relationships

1/23/15: How to get Wifed Up: Putting the "DD"ouble Standard to work

Yup, I'm Wifed. Or wifey'ed, wifed up, the missus, the list can go on. I've always been this way, I cant help it. I am a long term relationship gal. And,  I know what it takes to be an awesome Girlfriend! Sound braggy? Maybe. But I'm not I swear! Whether or not I choose to adhere to these guidelines, I can dole out some tried and tested "rules" and you can tell me what works!

Being a little wifey does not mean you give up yourself, your goals, your values, NO! But it does mean that the C-word (COMPROMISE, you trashmouths) is at the top of your vocab list. And it means sacrifice. And it means not always getting your way but strongly encouraging your SO to get theirs. Looking cute doesn't hurt, and neither does dabbing the essence of domestic goddess behind your ear in the morning. I hear women complaining allllllll the time about their partners. "Why doesn't he care?" "Why doesn't he drive to me once in a while?" "Why isn't he ready for a relationship? Its been years!" or this gem "How come we never makeout anymore?" And the answer to all of the never ending why's in the universe is simple: We (women and men) are wired differently. We think differently. We see different things when looking at the same object. We have different objectives that can virtually never be aligned without communication. We are not the same. Similar, in many ways, but far from the same. And because of this, we will always be at odds. Unless you can grow and accept those differences, and learn how to play nicely with your partner.

Alot of partners are truly an ill-fit for us. We have washed and groomed and manipulated our ideals onto them until they are nearly unrecognizable, but even then, we haven't been able to change their brains. To change their instincts, their ingrained habits, their need to eat bacon with every GD thing. Boys will be boys. Yes they will. And girls will never stop trying to change that. HOWEVER, there are alot of things girls are doing wrong. Call me what you will, I believe that in a relationship a gal's duty is to support her man in everything he does and look pretty doing it. Because, in turn, he'll do the same. And if he doesn't, he isn't the one for you. I cant stress this enough: This post isn't meant to encourage women to fawn all over men and receive nothing in return-- no! Men who deserve the women they are with put in just as much effort, using the tools they have. We may not see things the same way but one should never settle for a relationship lacking the basic love, attention, and affection women crave.

I can boil it down to some guidelines for wifey'd success:

1. Let him open the motherf*ing pickle jar. A man wants to show you his strength at every turn. Doing everything yourself emasculates him even if he doesn't realize it/verbalize it. Many times, even if you know how, or better, or anything, just let him show you. or help you. You'll be glad you did.

2. Give blowjobs. GOOD ONES. The kind that makes him go a little numb in a good way. Fun fact: men love head. all day every day. Feel like you need some polishing? Take a class and get good.

3. Have fun when you have sex. Never let him think you are bored or too tired or that sex with him is anything but a mind blowingly awesome experience. Its all about EGO. But dont be fake and DO NOT FAKE an orgasm of any kind. Because they will believe you and then you will never be able to get there again.

4. Become a fabulous cook. COOK NAKED if you can. Learn at least 5 complete meals to impress your partner and make them on the reg. Why? Because his mom did (hopefully not the naked part) and as much as he loves you he misses dinner on the table at 6 every night after baseball practice. So cook, cook often, do the dishes, and show him that you really can do it all..except, of course, open pickle jars. Men like two things: Tits and steak.
**Have kids? Get a sitter for the night, drop them off at grandma's, or get them out of the house for a few hours and flirt with your man. Be dirty, be sassy, be raunchy, and then be a mom again.

5. Take an interest in yourself. Have hobbies. Make time for your friends and job and family. Show him that he is your priority, but that you have alot of other things in life going for you too. Don't be so available, but also, be willing to drop everything for him if he needs you.

6. Clean up after him. Fold his clothes. Do his laundry. He may not thank you after the 3rd time you do this, but he appreciates it more than you know. Honestly, if someone did my laundry I would know that meant L-O-V-E.

7. Compliment him authentically. Don't shove it all over facebook either. Take a moment, every day, to find something that you truly appreciate about him and tell him, text him, leave him a note. Don't stop doing the little things.

8. Let him watch whatever the f*ck he wants on TV. He will eventually ask you what you want to watch. If he doesn't, he's an inconsiderate asshole and you should probably be concerned by what else he isn't asking you. DO NOT MAKE HIM WATCH REAL HOUSEWIVES,KARDASHIANS,OR ANY OTHER "MEAN LADY" BULLSHIT that we just lap up. That's for alone time.

9. Have alone time. Treat yourself well. Smell nice. Take care of your body and soul and do things that are nourishing and healthy. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Encourage him to have time with his friends too. But set boundaries ahead of time and SPELL THEM OUT. Men are not mind readers. They don't understand what you will be offended by. Make it easy for them not to get sucked into a stupid fight that they didn't see coming.

10. TRUST. Trust what he says, what he does, trust everything about him until he gives you a reason not to. Don't project your bullshit fears and past relationship drama onto him, because it wont work. Don't be jealous of ANYONE and don't be petty. Be Kind above all else. Don't speak ill of his family and don't speak ill of his friends. He will appreciate that you make an effort to be mature and above pettiness, and you'll be happier and healthier too.